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Are you feeling disconnected from your partner? Does it seem like another date night will just not fix things?
Sometimes it takes a little more than an occasional night out to fix a relationship that has gone downhill. Although you love each other, you are having trouble connecting on different levels and can’t understand why you are unhappy.
What if the secret to improving your romantic relationships lies in improving your spiritual health? No, I’m not suggesting that you go on a couples retreat with your church.
That’s a nice idea, but to have a great connection with your partner, you need to understand your own beliefs about relationships. All of us have beliefs about how we should relate to the world and so it goes, with our partners.
We think that we have to behave a certain way to get love and positive attention. These spiritual beliefs often colour our physical world, and we operate based on them.
However, these same beliefs can also create distance between yourself and those you love. They seem like they are helping us get what we want, but actually they are creating the opposite.
Our beliefs cause us to manipulate reality and make it the enemy. There are five major negative belief patterns that people can operate on.
Each belief intends to seek love and affection but can quickly turn into a “me-against-them” attitude and ends up backfiring on us. When we seek love and approval outside of ourselves, we always miss the mark.
Figuring out which belief is affecting your relationship is key to creating intimacy rather than a distance with your partner. Once you realise how you are sabotaging your relationship, you can start making positive changes that will bring you closer.
The Five Negative Relationship Belief Types
The Resenter
In a relationship, this person is ready to offer special dinners, back rubs and do any favour before even asked. This person loves to give, hoping that he or she will receive love and approval in return.
However, if this person does not get their specific needs met, the Resenter will grow resentful and doubt the relationship. The Resenter will enjoy giving a little less and receiving a little more.
Making sure that he or she asks for what they need and being able to say no sometimes will help the Resenter feel appreciated without feeling taken advantage of.
The Rejecter
This person chases the illusion of perfection. The Rejecter requires not only him/herself but his or her relationship to be just right.
When life turns messy, the Rejecter is fixing it or pushing others away when he or she can’t. Letting anyone else see his or her shortcomings is inconceivable, and the Rejecter ends up rejecting others before they can judge them for their faults.
This person must relax more about his or her idea of perfection and know that others will not reject him or her based on superficial details. Allowing things to be “good enough” will allow the Rejecter to open up to others and let them know you love them, anyway.
The Controller
Although this person is capable, the Controller thinks that everyone else is inadequate. The Controller micromanages and distrusts others to the point they leave them with all the responsibility.
This confirms his or her suspicion that he or she can’t depend on anyone else, and the Controller pushes others away to avoid disaster. If this type can just let go of the reigns and trust someone else’s capabilities, the Controller will have more support and not feel so alone.
By accepting that there are several acceptable ways of doing things and that he or she can’t possibly be in charge all the time, the Controller will allow others to show their admiration and affection for him or her.
The Escaper
Because of a belief that the real world is dangerous, the Escaper often finds him/herself retreating into a safer, daydream world. Because the Escaper spends more time checked out than present with his or her partner, the Escaper seems flaky and undependable and ends up isolated.
To cultivate a true relationship, this person needs to realise that he or she can cope with difficulty without retreating within him/herself. The Escaper will feel safer in this world if he or she can stay present long enough to see that others will support and love him or her in the real world.
The Taker
Someone who feels that he or she will never get enough frequently asks for too much from others. This person is constantly asking for things like attention, time, or emotions but never satisfied.
People get sucked dry and eventually push the Taker away, leaving him or her more depleted and empty. It is crucial for this type to be more self-sufficient and less demanding of their partners.
When the Taker realises that he or she has an infinite source of love already within, he or she will easily share it through his or her sweet nature, rather than demanding it from others.
In each of these scenarios, there is a desire for love and approval, but the inner beliefs of each type build a defence or barrier that produces the opposite effect. They are unintentionally pushing the other person away without realising.
Be honest and ask yourself if you currently fall into any of the above. Even if it's only partly, or a blend of a few.
When you can objectively see how your beliefs are keeping you disconnected from those around you, you will change them and be more open to a true relationship.
Deepen your spiritual connection with yourself and open up to the love that binds us all. May you find the love within all things.
